Mind Your Manners

There was just one letter in the mailbox yesterday, and oddly enough, it was from the National League of Junior Cotillions. If you are not familiar with the organization, it is a group that teaches children how not to behave like mine.

My children aren't exactly heathens. It's just that they don't know a charger from soup bowl, a cha cha from a fox trot, or whether belching in public is rude ... or a compliment to the chef.

The mail we received included invitations for LJ and Julianna to attend cotillion classes -- at a price of $130 per child.

According to the literature, Julianna would "leave the program with the beginnings of confidence and poise that come from knowing the proper things to do."

I assume it would not qualify as "proper" that my daughter likes to say: "Mommy, I just pooted! Did you hear it?"

The invitation also promised to offer LJ instruction "in the areas of introductions, sports manners and basic table manners ... and students will learn dining in a nice restaurant -- complete with reservation, maitre d', menus and tipping."

Seriously? Does my 8-year-old really need to know how to pay the bill and tip the cashier at Chick-fil-a?

It's actually ironic that we just received this invitation, because the very topic of etiquette classes came up just a few weeks ago.

In one of my less-than-stellar parenting moments, I used etiquette classes as a threat. As in, "If you don't start being more polite to me and other adults, you will go to manners camp this summer."

It is another one of those hollow threats that I am not prepared to follow through with, but I'll be damned if it doesn't work. Since I started threatening both LJ and Julianna with manners camp, I have never heard so many pleases, thank yous, and I'm sorrys.

After receiving the invitation today, I decided to see if the National League of Junior Cotillions has a Web site. In fact, I wondered if it is even proper to have a Web site.

Apparently, it is.

Most of the site is filled with information on classes and schedules, but it also includes such juicy tidbits as: "The proper way to introduce a younger person to an older person is to remember that a young person is always introduced to the older person, unless the younger person is more important."

That infers that LJ's method of hiding behind my legs and ignoring the older person is not correct.

It also mentions that: "As a courtesy to your host, never add salt or pepper until you have tasted the food. If you need some, use it sparingly. Make it a rule to never ask for a special sauce to place on the meat."

That also implies that Julianna is exhibiting poor etiquette when she announces at a friend's house: "Can I have something else? I don't like ANY of this food -- it tastes bad."

Although I know that LJ and Julianna could stand some fine tuning in the manners department, I decided -- while browsing the National League of Junior Cotillions Web site -- that their organization was not, in fact, the way to improve my kids' habits.

On the site is a list of "10 Best Mannered People." Among those featured are:

Mark McGwire, baseball player -- alleged steroid abuser
Martha Stewart, entertaining diva -- served five-month prison sentence for lying to the government
Mel Gibson, actor -- arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, and then went on anti-Semitic tirade
Jennifer Capriati, tennis player -- arrested for marijuana possession
Whitney Houston, singer -- arrested for marijuana possession

LJ and Julianna aren't perfect ... especially when it comes to etiquette. But if those are the kinds of role models my kids will learn about with $260 worth of cotillion classes, I think I'm better off spending my money elsewhere ...

Even if they do miss out on learning "the proper way to squeeze a lemon slice and a lemon wedge."